Solving Small Conflicts

When two people disagree or have a problem together, they can use simple steps to work it out calmly and fairly.

Reading is good — doing is better. Practice Solving small conflicts as an interactive lesson.

Definition

A conflict is when two people want different things or have a disagreement. A small conflict is one that does not involve danger or serious harm — like arguing over a toy, not agreeing on a game, or feeling left out. Solving a small conflict means both people talk, listen, and find a way to feel okay about the situation without a grown-up having to decide for them.

Remember the rule

Stop → Calm → Talk → Listen → Solve. Use these five steps in order every time you have a small conflict.

Key words

Conflict: A disagreement or problem between two or more people.
Calm down: To slow your breathing and relax your body before talking, so you do not say hurtful things.
I-message: A sentence that starts with 'I feel...' so you share your feelings without blaming the other person.
Listen: To pay full attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting.
Compromise: When both people give up a little of what they want so both can be happy.
Solution: An idea that fixes the problem so both people feel okay.
Fair: When everyone gets treated with equal respect and no one is left out or takes everything.
Apologize: To say sorry and mean it, showing you care about the other person's feelings.

Worked examples

Mia and Jake both want the last red crayon at the same time. They start to argue.

→ Jake says, 'I feel frustrated when I can't use the crayon.' Mia listens. They decide to take turns — Mia uses it for 2 minutes, then Jake uses it for 2 minutes. · Taking turns is a compromise because both kids get what they want, just not at the exact same second.

Luis and Sam are choosing a game at recess. Luis wants to play tag but Sam wants to play basketball. Neither will move.

→ They calm down, then Luis says, 'Can we play tag today and basketball tomorrow?' Sam agrees. Both kids get their game, just on different days. · Suggesting a plan for later is another way to compromise without anyone losing.

Ava feels left out because her friend Priya ran ahead and started playing with someone else without asking her.

→ Ava takes three deep breaths, walks over, and says, 'I felt sad when you ran off without me. Can I play too?' Priya says, 'Sorry, I didn't realize. Yes, come on!' · Using an I-message ('I felt sad') tells Priya how Ava feels without calling her mean or bad.

Two boys, Omar and Eli, are both sure they were first in line and start pushing.

→ Both stop, take a breath, and use rock-paper-scissors to decide who goes first. They both agree the result is fair. · A quick neutral game can solve a conflict fast when the argument is about something small like order.

Rosa drew a picture and left it on the table. Her brother Carlos accidentally colored on it. Rosa is very upset.

→ Carlos says, 'I'm really sorry, I didn't know it was yours.' Rosa says, 'I feel upset. Please ask before using my things.' Carlos agrees. They see if the picture can still be used. · A real apology plus a promise to change behavior helps the hurt person feel heard and respected.

Common mistakes

Yelling or name-calling instead of using a calm voice — this makes the other person feel attacked and the conflict gets bigger, not smaller.
Refusing to listen and just waiting for your turn to talk — if you do not really hear the other person, you cannot find a solution that works for both of you.
Giving up too fast and walking away angry without solving anything — the problem will come back later if it is never actually fixed.
Telling a grown-up right away for every tiny problem — practice solving small conflicts yourself first; saving adult help for big or unsafe problems builds your independence.
Thinking you have to win and the other person has to lose — a good solution means both people feel okay, not that one person gets everything they wanted.

FAQs

How do I know if a conflict is small enough to solve by myself?

Ask yourself: Is anyone hurt or in danger? Is someone being bullied over and over? If the answer is no, it is probably a small conflict you can try to solve with the Stop-Calm-Talk-Listen-Solve steps. If the answer is yes, get a grown-up right away.

What if the other person will not listen to me?

Stay calm and try again. You can say, 'Can I please finish?' If they still will not listen after you try your steps, it is okay to ask a teacher or trusted adult to help.

What is an I-message and how do I use one?

An I-message sounds like this: 'I feel [feeling word] when [what happened].' For example: 'I feel sad when you take my book without asking.' It shares your feelings without blaming, so the other person is less likely to get defensive.

Does compromise mean I always have to give up what I want?

Not completely. Compromise means both people give up a little so both get something. You might not get exactly what you wanted, but you get part of it, and so does the other person.

What if I am too angry to talk calmly?

That is okay — do not skip the calm-down step. Try taking five slow deep breaths, counting to ten, or squeezing your hands and releasing them. Wait until your body feels less hot and tight before you start talking.

Do I have to be friends with someone after we solve a conflict?

You do not have to be best friends, but you do need to be respectful. Solving a conflict means you treated each other fairly and found a solution. Being kind and respectful at school matters even with people you do not always agree with.

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