Calming Down When Upset

When big feelings hit, you can use simple body tricks to feel better and think clearly again.

Reading is good — doing is better. Practice Calming Down When Upset as an interactive lesson.

Definition

Calming down means using special actions or thoughts to help your body and mind slow down when you feel mad, sad, scared, or frustrated so you can feel safe and ready to solve problems.

Remember the rule

STOP – BREATHE – THINK – GO: Stop what you are doing, take 3 slow breaths, think of one kind choice, then go handle the situation.

Key words

Emotion: A feeling inside your body and mind, like happiness, anger, sadness, or fear.
Upset: Feeling very sad, mad, or worried about something.
Deep breath: Breathing in slowly through your nose and out slowly through your mouth to help your body relax.
Calm: Feeling quiet and relaxed inside, not shaky or angry.
Self-control: Choosing how you act even when your feelings feel very big and strong.
Cool-down strategy: A tool or trick you use on purpose to help yourself feel calmer.
Body clues: Signs your body gives you that a big feeling is coming, like a tight chest, hot face, or fast heartbeat.
Safe space: A quiet spot where you can go to calm down without hurting yourself or others.

Worked examples

Marcus lost his turn in a board game and feels his fists getting tight and his face getting hot. What should he do?

→ Marcus notices his body clues, stops, takes 3 deep belly breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth, then says quietly to himself, 'It is okay. I will get another turn.' · Noticing body clues early makes it easier to calm down before the feeling gets too big.

Lily is so frustrated with her math worksheet that she wants to rip it up. What is a better choice?

→ Lily puts her pencil down, squeezes her hands into fists and then opens them wide five times, and asks her teacher for help. · Squeezing and releasing hands lets the angry energy out of the body in a safe way.

Jaylen is crying because he misses his mom at school. He cannot stop feeling sad. What can he do?

→ Jaylen tells a trusted adult how he feels, then hugs a stuffed animal in the calm corner, breathes slowly, and draws a picture of something that makes him happy. · Talking to a trusted adult is always a safe first step when feelings feel too big to handle alone.

Two friends are arguing over the same book at library time and both start to feel angry. What should they each do before talking it out?

→ Both friends walk to opposite sides of the room, each takes 5 slow breaths, counts to 10 silently, and waits until they feel ready to use a quiet, kind voice to solve the problem together. · Calming your own body first makes it possible to actually hear and understand the other person.

Sofia's block tower fell over and she screams and starts knocking other things down. What could she have done instead?

→ Sofia could have noticed the tight feeling in her chest, moved to the calm corner, done 4-7-8 breathing (breathe in 4 counts, hold 7 counts, breathe out 8 counts), and then decided to rebuild the tower or ask for help. · Acting out by knocking things down makes the problem bigger; a cool-down strategy keeps everyone safe.

Common mistakes

Trying to talk through the problem while still feeling very upset — your brain cannot think clearly until your body is calmer first.
Holding your breath or breathing really fast when upset instead of slowing the breath down on purpose.
Thinking that calming down means you do not care or that your feelings do not matter — calming down actually helps you handle the problem better.
Waiting until the feeling is completely overwhelming before using a strategy — watch for body clues early and start a cool-down sooner.
Using cool-down time to avoid solving the problem forever — calm down first, then go back and work things out.

FAQs

Why does my heart beat so fast when I get upset?

When you feel strong emotions, your brain sends a message to your body to get ready for action. Your heart beats faster to send energy to your muscles. Taking slow, deep breaths sends a message back to your brain that you are safe, and your heart slows back down.

How many deep breaths does it usually take to start feeling calmer?

Most kids feel a little better after 3 to 5 slow, deep breaths. Breathe in slowly for about 4 counts and breathe out for about 4 counts. If you still feel upset, try a few more rounds.

What if I feel too angry to even remember to breathe?

That is normal! That is why we practice cool-down strategies when we are NOT upset, just like we practice fire drills when there is no fire. The more you practice, the easier it is to remember the steps when a big feeling arrives.

Is it okay to cry when I am upset?

Yes, crying is a healthy way your body lets feelings out. After a good cry, try some slow breaths and a drink of water to help your body settle down.

What if someone teases me for going to the calm corner?

Taking care of your feelings is a strong and smart choice, not a weak one. You can tell a trusted adult if someone is bothering you about it. Many kids and even grown-ups use cool-down strategies every day.

Do grown-ups have to calm down too?

Absolutely! Adults use deep breathing, taking a walk, or counting to 10 all the time. Learning to calm down when upset is a skill everyone keeps using their whole life.

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